Questions you should ask in arranged marriage before saying yes (from someone who’s been there)

I wanted to write this because people honestly don’t know what questions to ask in arranged marriage setup. And it’s not really their fault. Asking questions in dating and asking questions in an arranged setup are two completely different things.

When you’re dating, things build naturally. You get to know someone over time. But in an arranged setup, you’re suddenly sitting across from someone who might become your life partner, and there’s pressure from families and timelines.

When I was in that phase, I didn’t want to miss anything important, so I made a checklist of questions to ask. Later, I shared it with a few friends, and they said it helped them too. That’s why I’m putting it here. A practical, real-life guide on the right questions to ask in arranged marriage.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s this: ask the tough questions first. Once you start liking someone, it’s very easy to ignore things that can become real problems later.

And just to be clear, this applies to both men and women. These are not “girls should ask” or “guys should ask” kind of questions. They’re for anyone trying to make a thoughtful, informed decision.

So I've divided the questions to ask before marriage in the form of what to ask in the beginning, what to ask before catching feelings, and what to ask before saying yes.

Phase 1: The basics and the vibe check (first conversation)

This is the first chat or meeting. You’re not here to interrogate anyone. Keep it light and friendly. The goal is to see if the conversation feels natural.

Try these:

What are you looking for in a partner?
This helps you understand what they actually value in a relationship.

What’s your day-to-day life like?
This gives you an idea about their routine, energy levels, and general lifestyle.

What do you like doing in your free time?
You don’t need to have the same hobbies, but it’s good to know how they unwind.

Career goals
You can keep this casual by saying, “So, what’s next for you professionally? Do you enjoy what you do?” It helps you see how ambitious or content they are.

Deal-breakers
Try, “Hey, are there any things that are really important for you in a relationship? Like something you’d never want to compromise on?”

At this stage, you’re just seeing if you connect well enough to keep the conversation going.

Phase 2: The tough stuff (before you catch feelings)

This is where people usually hesitate, but these are the questions that matter the most. Once emotions get involved, it’s harder to stay objective.

1. Family and living situation

This is one of the biggest topics in an arranged setup. You need to know how close they are to their parents and how involved their family might be in your life.

• “Hey, just wanted to understand, how close are you to your parents? Do they usually help you make personal decisions?”
  

Also talk about living arrangements.

• “What’s your plan after marriage? Would you prefer living with parents or separately?”
  

If you value independence, be upfront.

• “I really value having our own space and making decisions as a couple. Is that something you’d be okay with?”
  

This is not a small topic. You don’t want to end up in a situation where your in-laws are making rules for you.

2. Kids and family planning

It might feel too soon to bring this up, but it’s practical and important.

“Hey, I know this is more of a future thing, but do you have any thoughts about having kids? Like sooner, later, or not sure yet?”

You don’t have to agree on everything right away, but it helps to know where you both stand.

3. Finances and debts

Money changes the dynamics of any relationship, so don’t skip this part.

“Hey, I just wanted to ask if you have any major financial commitments or loans right now. Or are you planning to take one? Not to nosy, but I think it’s good to be upfront about these things.”

It’s better to know early than to be surprised later.

4. Spending habits and lifestyle

This is one area people often ignore, but it really matters. This isn’t the 1990s anymore when everyone was expected to just save endlessly. Some people like to travel, eat out, or spend on experiences. Others prefer to save and live simply. Neither is wrong, but you should be on the same page.

You can ask things like:

• “How do you usually like to spend your money? Are you more of a saver or someone who enjoys treating yourself?”
  

Or even:

• “Do you like going on holidays or prefer staying in and saving for something bigger?”
  

These questions might sound small, but they tell you how your everyday lives might look together.

5. Dowry

Be very clear about this one. As clear as you can be!

“Hey, just to be upfront, I’m not comfortable with the idea of dowry in any form. I wanted to make sure if you're on the same page about that.

Now, a lot of people might say, “Oh, I don’t want anything, but you know, my parents might expect something.” That’s when you follow up clearly but politely:

“I get that parents can have their own opinions, but if it comes up, how would you handle that? Would you be okay standing your ground against it?”

It’s important to know whether they genuinely believe in a no-dowry marriage or are just saying it to sound right. You don’t want someone who agrees with you in conversation but quietly lets their family push expectations later.

If they try to dodge or make light of it, take that seriously.

6. Past relationships

You don’t need every detail about their past, but honesty here really matters.

You can say something like:

“Hey, just wanted to ask, is there anything from your past relationships that you think I should know?”

This isn’t about judging them. It’s just about understanding what they’ve learned or how they handle things emotionally.

If you personally aren’t comfortable with your partner staying in touch with their ex, it’s better to say that clearly now instead of waiting till later. You can phrase it politely, for example:

“I just wanted to be upfront about something. I’m personally not comfortable with staying in touch with exes once we’re in a committed relationship. I hope that’s okay with you.”

It’s completely fair to set that boundary. What’s unfair is expecting the other person to guess it later.

7. Health and obligations

“Hey, are there any major health concerns or family responsibilities I should know about?”

You’re not being intrusive. You’re just being realistic.

Phase 3: The everyday life stuff (before the final yes)

If you’ve reached this stage, things are getting serious. This phase is about how your lives would actually blend day-to-day.

Eating habits
Whether they’re vegetarian, non-vegetarian, or healthy eater or "eat as one wishes" kind of a person, this can affect daily routines more than people think.

Religion and values
“Hey, how do you usually celebrate festivals or handle religious things? Just curious how religious are you in your daily life.”

You don’t need to match completely, but it helps to understand each other’s comfort levels.

Financial goals
Talk about long-term plans. Do they want to buy a house soon? Do they prefer renting and traveling? How they expect you to split finances in everyday life. These are lifestyle choices that matter.

Parents again
Don't hate me for bringing this up again, but yes, this topic deserves to come up again. Ask them how involved would the parents be in their day-to-day life. Be very clear here. You do not want to find out later that your partner’s parents are going to be making decisions for you.

Final thoughts

You don’t have to ask all these questions at once. Let things flow naturally, but make sure you get these conversations in before saying yes.

And remember, asking tough questions doesn’t make you demanding. It makes you clear and grounded. You’re not just saying yes to a person, you’re saying yes to their world — their family, their habits, and their values.

It’s better to have a few minutes of awkward honesty now than years of regret later.

If even one person reading this feels a little more confident going into their arranged marriage talks, then I’m glad I wrote this.